Siard sighs

For the last twenty years I have been a part of the furniture at Hampe and Berkel Muziek (est. 1842) at the Spui in Amsterdam. Sometimes people ask you the strangest questions in that shop...

Telephone: Do you sell clarinet reeds by S.T.E.U.E.R.?
Yes we do. What number would you like?
No I need Bb clarinet reeds, you fool, this woman plays in the Milan orchestra, for God sakes she knows what she is talking about!!! tuut tuut tuut

I bought an old clarinet and I was wondering if you could tell me some things about it.
Do you have it with you?
No, its back home in Scotland.

Telephone: What does a new set of violin strings cost?
Well it's a bit like asking the price of a set of tires for your car, but you could say between 25,00 and 80,00.
Does it matter if you put them on a violin or a normal cello?

Telephone: Hello my name is Barbara Halbersma of... hmmm ....well of nothing really.

I'm looking for a set of cleptra's.

Woman sees the price tag on a clip-on microphone on a sax: Is that the price of this saxophone or just of the little light that's on it?

I want to buy guitar strings, but can I try them out first?

If I buy a recorder here, is it more expensive than any other shop?

Is this a good "live" drum?

Do you have clarinet strings?

Do you sell kazoo's and in what key?

You ordered a book for me. I don't know what book, but it was very flat.

Do you sell 7ender guitars? (Fender)

Do you sell big alto saxophones that you put around your waste and go Buab Buab Buab.

Do you sell a music stand for improvisation?

Do you sell sheet music of Dutch folk music?
Yes we have a famous collection called "Kun je nog zingen zing dan mee".
Do you have it in English?

Heh man I've got exactly the same harp as this one!! Only this one looks different.

Do you sell acoustic cables?

Do you sell Oskar Harris harps? (Lee Oskar)

Do you sell Lee Harvey Oskar harps? (Lee Oskar)

Do you still have that video of that guy I never heard about?

Do you sell chronological harmonica's? (Chromatic)

Do you sell wooden flutes?
Yes we have a couple of flutes here. A nice German flute from the early 1900's.
Hmmm a bit too expensive.
We also have a plastic Aulos flute.
From what year is that?

Do you have polis?
Pardon?
Polis
Polish: guitar polish???
No No polis
I don't understand. The police: do you want me to ring the police?
No no no Sting - police.

How much for the cymbal-case on wheels?
215,00
How much for without?
I'll break them of for free.

This panpipes is no good!
Yes I know: you are playing them upside down.

Do you sell F16 reeds? (V16)

Lady: Can you tell me where I can find a shop with some more songbooks?
Yes, Broekmans en van Poppel.
Oh thanks a million, where is that?
Next door to the Concert building.
Oh thanks a million, where is that?
In the Van Baerlestraat.
Oh thanks a million, where is that?
It's next to the Museumplein.
Oh thanks a million, where is that?

Do you sell woolen plectrums?
No we do sell felt plectrums for ukelele.
No No I mean the brand "Woolen". (you idiot)

Do you sell reeds for alto number 2?
Yes
Do you have a sax I can try them on?

Guy comes to the shop frequently, and looks at the instruments with a very knowledgeable look on his face. One day he gave the game away when he asked: "Was this Conn Ladyface new when it was made?"

I see you sell second hand saxophones; do people trade them in because they want a bigger one?

Lady: I want the brightest sounding pitchfork you have got in Hz442. And a normal sounding one in Hz441. I presume you have got a selection.

Do you sell 1/16 size violins?
I come back with a 1/8 size.
No that is way to big. in 3d or 4th position it might be o.k. but...
How old is he/she?
She is 3 next week

Can I have 2 tenor reeds 21/2 for alto?

How much is a handle for singing saw?

That Paquito CD I recently bought is great!!! I already thought it was good at the count-in.

Guy pointing at a Korg tuner: I've got the same but than made by Boss.

Looking into the percussion section in the shop I saw somebody blowing into a guiro as hard as he could.

Last year I bought a double bass stand for 219,00. I was dusting it this morning and saw the price-tag that said 218,00. Can I have my guilder back?

That Joe Diorio jazz guitar concepts video, is that for blues?

Are you absolutely sure that this recorder is in Hz440? I have got pitch perfect hearing you see.

Do you sell the sheet music for: Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday happy birthday happy b... (I think he already knew the song)